Drinking Diaries: the Changing of the Guards.
I swear it was like we hadn’t talked. Hadn’t agreed on a specific plan, strategy, arrangement for the night. I was clear and direct with the guard (about only having a couple or not drinking at all) but for some reason my wishes were not carried out. I realized that there was a changing of the guard. From 6am-6pm there was one way of thinking. Okay, I said, “don’t let more than one or two pass the threshold and lock the gate at 11pm”. The guard assured me, took notes, informed the others on shift that this was not to be ignored. But, that guy would go home at 6pm And the fucking evening guard would come in all lazy and “whatever”. He was apparently stationed from 6pm-6am and he had his own way of doing things. He would read the notes and nod. But two or three would enter and then a third would ask if others could join, they would bring unwanted guests. They all seemed nice but were up to no good. They stayed late, later than I had originally requested. They were sometimes foul mouthed, they were sometimes unpleasant, At 6am like clock work the Good Guard would return. He would respond to my disdain with “I told you to fire him” “you knew he would do that” “he never obeys your wishes, he isn’t well”. I wanted peace. I wanted control. But I wasn’t willing to fire him because it would require effort to train another guard, hire evening security, hell, maybe just do it myself. I kept that idiot guard for years out of laziness. He got worse. Do you relate? Well I fired the evening guard in January. And no one gets through without my authority. As in, i got my life back. I got my trust of myself back. And now protect my sobriety like it’s my breathe. If you feel like you are passionately two different people with regard to alcohol or food. You are NOT alone.