Raven

Drinking Diaries

Butterflies in my belly. A sigh of relief. Pleasure. PURE Excitement.

These are all the "feels" I had when I thought of alcohol. I LOVED to drink...... freakin' loved it. I LOVED champagne. I couldn't wait to get it outta the fridge when guests arrived. Sometimes the anticipation was so great that I would drink a glass of cold, white wine out of a box just to tame the lion of wanting that champagne. Tequila was another love of mine. I would get the clear ones, fresh limes, salt. My mouth waters remembering. Having this passion, romance, this thrill around drinking made it seem impossible to even consider giving it up. So, why did I?

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Trade Off

The Trade Off: ( a drinking diaries entry) I know what you're thinking, you gals with the cold glass of Chardonnay. You're thinking (as you watch me stand glass-less) that I am not having as much fun, that I am not as playful as you, (or as I could be), that I left the bar early because I was feeling bored or lame, or had enough. Well, you are right. Sorta. I do not enjoy this bar mingle thing, or 4 hour dinner party like I used to.

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Running & Sobriety Similarities

BEING SOBER IS LIKE BEING A RUNNER: 

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Will I be Lonely?

Drinking Diaries: Will I be lonely? 

I am completely certain that alcohol binds us. That alcohol is the fun factor, the ice breaker, the "I don't know you but I like you" liquid, the easy button, the "make yourself at home" element, the nerve reliever, the ladies night glue, the man cave beverage of choice. It is the river that runs through it, me, them, all of us. So, if I give up alcohol for a weekend, month, year, life then the question begs.... "Will I be lonely?" And the answer is. Sometimes, but not like I thought. 

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Deprived

Drinking Diaries: "Deprived". This word, "deprived", was a powerful incentive for me NOT to quit drinking. I was so damn worried that I would feel, think, experience deprivation if I couldn't drink. Here is my loop. 1). Get excited about an evening including drinking. 2). Drink with abandon 3). Feel bad about that later 4). Decide to quit, moderate or do something I could be proud of 5). Fear I would miss it, miss out, feel "deprived". (REPEAT).

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When

Drinking Diaries: “WHEN”. 

I am an anticipation junkie. I look forward to “when, then, and there”. Actually, this is highly acceptable behavior. Example, asking someone if they are “looking forward to their vacation?”, “ I bet you can’t wait until you move into your apartment, until your birthday party, until Christmas!” ......”I count the minutes until I am with you......” 

This was my language inward and outward. 

Basically I spent most of days “in” my nights. “Looking forward” was a way of life. 

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The Changing of the Guards

I swear it was like we hadn't talked. Like we hadn't agreed on a specific plan, strategy or arrangement for the night. I was clear and direct with the guard (about only having a couple or not drinking at all) but for some reason my wishes were not carried out. I realized that there was a changing of the guard. From 6am-6pmthere was one way of thinking. Okay, I said, "don't let more than one or two pass the threshold and lock the gate at 11pm". The guard assured me, took notes, informed the others on shift that this was not to be ignored.

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Say hello to Heaven

Drinking Diaries: Say hello to heaven. "Hello heaven", as I take a sip of this fine sparkling wine.. VeuveClicquot, my favorite. Such a pretty orange label, I feel so elegant. One of the first beliefs I had about alcohol is that it is fancy. To have a glass (real glass) and alcohol (not a soda) swirling around in it is luxurious. I feel rich. I feel privileged. I feel fancy. When I was growing up my dad made it very clear that we wanted to either have money, or appear to. Before I entered high school, my dad filed for bankruptcy. He couldn't keep those plates spinning anymore.

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The Drinking Diaries: Alcohol "As" a Second Language.

I took a couple classes in high school and college, but I didn't have the time to really study the subject, so I hung out with students who mostly didn't speak "alcohol" until I graduated. Then I had the funds, and more importantly, the time to do an "immersion" in the language and I began to speak it quite "fluidly", so to speak. I held two jobs, one where this was the dominate language, it was a bar my boyfriend opened called The Fur Shop after he found an old neon Fur Shop sign in a warehouse.

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Drinking Diaries: I don’t know much about golf

Drinking Diaries: I don’t know much about golf but I have heard of the ol“Golfers Handicap” as a technique to level the playing ground for players. This allows those slightly (or even ridiculously) better players to play with those of lesser proficiency on somewhat equal terms.

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