Drinking Diaries: False belief

Although I KNEW that if I quit drinking then Sunday and Monday mornings would HAVE to be better, but, yet, I thought (and was wrong) that certain days, like Saturday, would be WAY worse. That false belief kept me drinking for years. I thought (with a brain addicted to happy hour) that my designated “drinking times” would feel like a kind of torture that I wasn’t cut out to endure. For instance, the idea of going to a fun party with fun people all dressed up with a killer playlist would instead feel like going to an eight hour High School graduation with no real relative to clap for in a town with bad weather sitting next to an ex-boyfriend. Lame. See, I am naturally a bored-Ish person with little to no patience and such high levels of anxiety that a psychologist would have a field day with my prescriptions. But, in my 20’s my lack of time, money and insurance kept me out of range of any doctors advice so I used running, working and obsessing to keep me sane-ish. Easing into a drinking lifestyle just made sense. It calmed my nerves, it relaxed my “obsessing “, it was fun and for fuck sake…. I deserved it! But, it had me. It had me at hello and goodbye. I knew I loved alcohol too much. Yet, I was able to have this love affair that looked like a casual friendship and no one was concerned. No interventions. no DUIs, no “bad behavior”. So why quit? Why go to an awful high school graduation when you can go to a crazy fun party? 
First of all the reason I’m writing this post is to reveal the truth about what quitting drinking can be like. For some, like me… Thank God, The graduation is actually an amazing adventure. This place I had imagined to be a sort of boring hell was actually The garden of Narnia. So, there I was prepared for bad weather and instead I kept seeing rainbows. It was actually a break through to the place I was always seeking in my “drink”. Where I was headed was not hell, it was home. 
The reason I feel it important to reveal this discovery OuT LoUD is because I never knew! I, a world traveler, a business owner, a fucking yoga teacher with lots of friends and lots of opportunity BELIEVED that to be sober would be “to be Bored”. How misguided I was. Had I known…. had I read anything like this you are reading now, I may have ventured out of my pink prison cell a little sooner. I only heard the “one day at a time”, “everyday is a battle” stuff. That’s true! I am sure. But it’s not always the case. 
I am the voice of the glass is not just half full but flowing over. 
Someone needs to say it, I suppose it is ME. (The me that has always been waiting for me to be ME.)

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