Drinking Diaries: When I was a little girl
When I was a little girl I was going to be an actress, a famous actress and singer and, and, and dancer and writer! I would spend hours in my room making up songs and writing commercials that me and my friends could act out for my parents and neighbors out on the lawn in the summer. I would play records, Diana Ross, The Four Seasons, look at my poster of Leif Garrett and dance around the room with my pencil (skinny microphone) to my lips blasting out the lyrics over and over again. I was totally self sufficient on the entertainment level. I didn’t need constant play dates, iPads, video games, wi, phones, summer camps, food, sports, a pool, a game room, a “fill in the blank”. I could have had those things and I would have enjoyed them, but there was a world of art projects, performances, and stories in my head and I was happy. I eagerly enrolled in Drama in Jr. High. I excelled and entered Drama contests with other Drama students and we practiced not just reading our lines, but becoming the characters that we took on. Once, I was a lonely housewife begging my husband to see me…..I cried out in this womens voice, I fell to my knees and expressed her sorrow, I embraced my so called husband (another student named Tim) and we forgave each other for the injustices of our lives. we won. I auditioned for the lead female role of the school play, i got it. I memorized the lines, no problem. I was to wear a beautiful costume, a long silver dress with dramatic gloves. But, I felt fat when I tried it on. I needed to lose a couple pounds. So, I stopped eating lunch and instead drank Diet Coke. I starved myself to the point of passing out (and did often), and then I would eat, and eat, and eat so much that I would throw up. OMG, then I would starve myself again because I was disguising and then gorge, and it would start over. This physical abuse stole my mental stability. Although, I didn’t, at the time, know what the trade off would be. What would 3 pound really cost me? In hindsight, I see now that it cost me my clarity. In the absence of nutrition, I lost my ability to “think” calmly, and smoothly which is the main ingredients in memorizing lines and performing. So, I bombed. Imagine…… The auditorium packed, all lights are all on me as I strode across the stage with my silver dress fitting just right, a train dragging behind me, I drag on my extended (fake) cigarette and exhale to begin my opening lines that I “thought” I knew. And….. nothing. I couldn’t speak. Well, to be exact, I couldn’t THINK! I didn’t have that vibrant, pulsing, colorful motor mind feeding me my lines. I didn’t have the character anymore, I didn’t have the words, I didn’t have anything but students on the sidelines asking “What is happening to Nicole???”. I quit Drama. I struggled thru High School, gaining and losing weight. I really struggled in college drinking coffee for energy, eating the cheapest, skinny food i could find. Canned black beans, canned pumpkin mush, canned green beans, tabasco on everything, gum, gallons of water. I was 100 pounds and all muscle, i dreamed about eating. I realized if I smoked cigarettes that I wouldn’t be hungry, so I smoked.
I graduated with a 3.7, pure determination. muscled the whole thing. No parties, no Freshman 15, no sororities, no financial assistance, no mom and dad money, no boyfriend, no friends (just acquaintances) All serious, all important, just me doing it for me. I pushed hard making grades, rent and not exceeding 110 pounds on the scale.
Then I met alcohol. It softened me, It made things not serious, not intense, it loosed me up, it took my food craving AWAY (especially the sugar ones) and it relaxed my preoccupation with food, exercise, having a relationship, making money, figuring out my life. It did DULL. It dulled the ugly, but also the good.
You can fill in the next 20 years. She dances with alcohol. She loves, she loses. She struggles, she succeeds. But the moral of this story is that when she, i mean, when I dropped the alcohol, that little creative, dancing in the mirror, giggly confident girl came home!!!!!!!
She is back and full of ambition, color, poetry, fervor, zest, interest, ideas, compassion, empathy, patience, creativity, wonder, love, passion, sweetness and she is EXCITED…. watch out!
I AM BACK! Little Nicole (pre-Diet Coke ((the gateway drug), pre-eating disorder, pre-lost my clarity, pre-Type Double A, pre-no-dependant turned co-dependant, and alas, pre-ALCOHOLIC) came home in January. About two weeks after I quit drinking she starting really coming around, she was shy at first. But now she is home full time and I couldn’t be happier!!!!!
So, I ask you.
What were you like when you were just becoming you? Is there a story there you must dig up to remember? A smiley, giggle monster that liked this or that, conjuring up wanderlust plans to build tree houses, loved to draw or sing or dance?
Sit and stir, remember him or her. Are they alive and well in your day to day or is that little “love lover” a thing of the past? And what’s dulling that “person” (little you) that wants to return in full 4D color?
I dare you to get Curious. If you want to see who appears, join me on this Quest for Clarity. It’s quite an adventure “IN”.
What on earth are you waiting for?
Thanks for reading
Also….., please observe the personality changes in teens that dramatically change their eating or consume massive amounts of caffeine. It could be stealing their clarity and wreaking havoc on their nervous system, digestion, and attitude about life.
Food for thought. or thought for food.
Peace to you. You deserve it.