Drinking Diaries: “WHEN”.
I am an anticipation junkie. I look forward to “when, then, and there”. Actually, this is highly acceptable behavior. Example, asking someone if they are “looking forward to their vacation?”, “ I bet you can’t wait until you move into your apartment, until your birthday party, until Christmas!” ......”I count the minutes until I am with you......”
This was my language inward and outward.
Basically I spent most of days “in” my nights. “Looking forward” was a way of life.
Let’s break the word “Anticipation “ into two parts “Anti” and (adding and rearranging some letters ) “Participation”. My Translation: I am not interested in participating in THIS moment right here. I would prefer to be in a future time and place, therefore, I wish to hurry “this” to get to “there”.
This longing for “then” is a lonely race against time and space. Longing for “when” obliterates the profound mystery of “now”. Longing for “there” makes it difficult to enjoy “here”. It also forces the “here” to be pushed along which does one very unfortunate thing...... I missed so many amazing “nows”! And by the time I was ready to enjoy the now I would have a drink in my hand (alcohol dulls perception and experience) and I wouldn’t be able to fully participate in the “now” I looked so longingly forward to. Some “nows” were straight up blurrrrrs.
I would drink margaritas on Thursday nights. This was something I would “look forward to”. All day Thursday I was half in, half longing. Half my mind was salivating on that salted rim. So on Thursdays before 5pm I was only half way participating in my now. My day felt rushed, bored, annoyed, hassled and disconnected.
However, I DID NOT KNOW THIS AT THE TIME.
Drinking Diaries is a collection of revelations I “had not anticipated” realizing about myself. Oh Lord...... I Loved, Loved, Loved looking forward to drinking, hanging out with friends, drinking alone, sleeping in after drinking, drinking wine while getting dressed up to go out, margaritas, vacations, dinners, etc. Alcohol time was always out “there” for me to have a “now” escape. I could always live in the “when” if the “now” sucks ( or even if it didn’t).
Here was my dangerous loop.
1) Plan something.
2) Look forward to that something
3) suffer waiting
4) get the something
5) try to hold on to the something, basically stop time, I did that by ordering another round, insisting Friends did not go home yet, start planning another something.
Skip to now.
Now I realize I am literally addicted to that time traveling thing.
I like to, as my sister said once, “have something to look forward to”.
Yes! I love having something to look forward to too, but not as a way of surviving what is “now”.
Now, I try to focus on just today. I have plans, yes. But I don’t “look forward to them” like I used to. They are out there on my calendar. And I am here, living this..... errr, well, that’s what I enjoy now, is now.
Someone said in an AA meeting recently “create the life you don’t want to escape from”.
And I definitely have that!
But I seriously needed to retrain my brain from getting fixated on future plans and look at every part of what is happening in this very spectacular moment, even if it’s just the laundry.
It’s an amazing adventure this sober trip. The whole damn thing just blows my mind how layered it is. Who am I???? I am just finding out.
Main reason I hesitated to quit drinking. I was afraid there would be nothing to look forward to!
Oh my...... was I wrong.