Will I be Lonely?
Drinking Diaries: Will I be lonely?
I am completely certain that alcohol binds us. That alcohol is the fun factor, the ice breaker, the "I don't know you but I like you" liquid, the easy button, the "make yourself at home" element, the nerve reliever, the ladies night glue, the man cave beverage of choice. It is the river that runs through it, me, them, all of us. So, if I give up alcohol for a weekend, month, year, life then the question begs.... "Will I be lonely?" And the answer is. Sometimes, but not like I thought.
The first "eye-opener turned shocking reality" was that I was all the sudden friends with that chic in the mirror again. I was at battle with her for 30 or so years over the food, the amount of food, the alcohol, the amount of alcohol, the redemption, the sabotaging.. and so on. That face that peered back at me was, all the sudden, on my side. She wasn't mad at me anymore, or embarrassed of me. She was proud of me, and liked my company, surprisingly, when I was just being me, not trying to be someone else. The me-friend I made was so cool. I started to get to know my feelings, interests, body, mind and self on a whole new level, it was freaking profound. So, with this newfound bestieby my side, I really could do anything. Loneliness on the level I had anticipated did not exist. I had me. It was all good. But, I lost some contacts in the world. I, suddenly, had a different drive and mission so the characters changed. When my mission was to go out and drink (to connect) I needed people that believed in that ritual as well. When I needed to sweat out the abuse from last night, I would plan a lot of morning workouts with someone that would be great company for that. When my sober schedule did not include drinking dates and morning workouts then those that I had surrounded myself with, fell away. It makes me sad. I started invited non-drinking peps into my schedule. I had to be creative. We would paint, do book reviews, work on the 12 Steps together, get our nails done, do coffee, travel for adventure (not relief from life) and do day shit. I had to change my language. I was so accustomed to "Let's get a glass of wine!" ( I don't even bother with saying "do lunch"). I started asking if meeting at the park with dogs would work or going to yoga together or coffee. (I used to never do the coffee date, it was "workout with me" or forget it). Of course, I tried to do the "hangout in the drinking circle and just not drink" thing, but it wasn't good for me, anymore. I was suffering in many ways, I won't get into that. So, I made many 'non-drinking' dates with people that still drink, dah, that is a perfect idea, if they are game.
All in all, I am more NOT lonely then I have ever been, ever.
I would say that my old belief that alcohol is the glue that binds us is not true. I would say, I was wrong that alcohol needed to 'be there' if adults were gathering. I would agree that I put too much attention and emphasis on alcohol being present at places and events and in people hands if we were going to have fun. I was wrong about a lot of things.
Life changed a lot. My people changed a lot. If you haven't heard from me in a while, I love you, always will, but, I have been spending a lot of time with this chic named Nicole, we like to do things alone most the time. Intimacy (into me I see). So I am sending out a flare of LOVE to my people, in all directions, old, new, past, future. BOOM!