drinking diaries: I had it good.
I was married to the prince. taught yoga, did yoga, had a precious son, dog, cat, sweet condo, fine car, social life, pretty clothes, healthy body, great schedule, vacations, time alone, time with my peps, money to save, money to blow. i had it good, some would say good enough, maybe great. but it wasn’t. It was fine….from the outside it was fantastic. but on the inside it felt coldish, empty at times, dark in here because i drank too often and for no good reason. I thought drinking was fine, good, acceptable and for all practical purposes, it was. but for some reason for me it was a conflict. what was so thirsty and unpredictable? what was i drinking to feel? what was i trying to not feel? why was i so tormented the morning after when others just brush it off, coffee and go. I would feel so ashamed and dire. i would look at my good life and think what is drinking improving? it is draining me, it is stealing more then it promises to give. why am i still doing this so often? why can’t i stop? but then„„why should i stop? it’s OKAY….. its fucking fine, everyone else is okay, why am i so dark about this stupid thing? shut UP and drink. swinging from hate this to this is fine is self induced schizophrenia. in yoga i am teaching centering, calm and self love then later drinking to numb, change my reality, and ultimately hate myself a little or a lot was my form of crazy. the conflict was real, even though you don’t see it or feel it yourself, it was my conflict. so i got clean. i quit. and i have it good still. like way good. all the things i had drinking i still have (some are the improved version) but it’s still good. I just enjoy what i have more. i see what i have with clearer eyes and a happier heart. my life didn’t have to change, (ie i didn’t have to quit.) .but i am so damn happy that i did. i don’t have to live with my conflict anymore