Drinking Diaries: Monday Mornings
Monday Mornings used to GROWL and HISS at my yoga, but not anymore. Thank you A.A., Raven Yoga, Recovery 2.0 all my sweet people who just make this way of life so damn worth it. I am never going back to hating Mondays, or Sunday mornings or whatever day ended up on the other side of drinking. Every time I picked up that glass of wine I was picking up that dread, that suffering that was going to accompany the pleasure. I thought I would miss the pleasure, I identified so much to it, I thought it was my “thang”- I was wrong. I don’t miss that life, that wine, that margarita, that beer, Not One Bit because I don’t miss the hot mornings, the first word out of my mouth being “UGH”, the time wasted, the money spent, the calories invested, the caffeine NEEDED, the workouts to balance, the feelings of repentance, the feeling of dread for the day ahead, the knowing it is too much, it is not healthy, the way it stole my “normal feel good” feelings, I was depressed from it, (even just slightly, but all the time). I don’t miss that package, because if I am going to miss the martini then I must also miss the misery. Because they never travel separately. they never do. If you are not suffering in a deep way from alcohol, nor drink too much EVER, or drink too often for whatever reason then you “got this”, you can balance out the heavy with the soft somehow. And so many can. But I wanted to. I wanted to be that girl that stalled at the waitresses question as to what I would like to drink, stalled as if I didn’t know, hadn’t though about it, “just water for now”. I wanted to be that. But I was not. I was eager for that waitress to get my order, I was planning that drink hours before. I was obsessed. Sometimes more than other times. It may not have been the “act” of drinking that was the ultimate “ruin”, it was the the time I fucking thought about it. If you spend half a day THINKING ABOUT QUITTING and half a day THINKING ABOUT DRINKING. It’s got you-you don’t have it. Just food for thought guys-i mean drinks for thought. Just speaking OUt LOUD, the reality of suffering from pleasure. If you are suffering there is a way out and it is amazing and unbelievable. it doesn’t mean the party it over. IT HAS JUST BEGUN.