Monday Mornings used to GROWL and HISS at my yoga, but not anymore. Thank you A.A., Raven Yoga, Recovery 2.0 all my sweet people who just make this way of life so damn worth it. I am never going back to hating Mondays, or Sunday mornings or whatever day ended up on the other side of drinking. Every time I picked up that glass of wine I was picking up that dread, that suffering that was going to accompany the pleasure. I thought I would miss the pleasure, I identified so much to it, I thought it was my “thang”- I was wrong.

I am a hoarder. As in, I stash, collect, store, pack-rat and acquire more than I can use at any one time. This is apparently an effort to have “enough” when there isn’t some available. Figures, since I was raised in the Depression. As in, my mom was depressed. She was a sad women, and blamed it on being “without enough money to have all the happiness money can buy,” (she believed it). She made sure we knew there wasn’t enough to go around, we had to ration.

Well, if it comes to making money, or working out or drinking water or something to and become an “opportunist”. (this is the kind of thinking that got me into this mess). The Middle Path means Middle Fucking Path, no matter what it is NICOLE, even if it’s free of charge, free of calories, or no one is looking. My problem is that I thought more was better. So, if there was an opportunity to work-out more, earn more, travel more, do more, anything with “more” attached to it then I was IN for MORE of that. “Wait” you say, there is some things you should do more of.

it’s working. this sober life. that i worried would be a BUZZZZ kill. it’s delightful really. i thought i would be bored. anxious, nervous, uncomfortable, itching for a cold beverage or a smooth red, but nah…. not at all. those feelings that i worried that i would have were actually what i was dealing with WITH the drinking life. I was bored, so I drank, I was anxious so I drank, I was nervous, so I drank, I was uncomfortable, so I drank, I was itching for a something, I never thought i wouldn’t.

I was married to the prince. taught yoga, did yoga, had a precious son, dog, cat, sweet condo, fine car, social life, pretty clothes, healthy body, great schedule, vacations, time alone, time with my peps, money to save, money to blow. i had it good, some would say good enough, maybe great. but it wasn’t. It was fine….from the outside it was fantastic. but on the inside it felt coldish, empty at times, dark in here because i drank too often and for no good reason. I thought drinking was fine, good, acceptable and for all practical purposes, it was.

Last year Valentines Day was on a Sunday, so it was a year ago today I guess. I felt this thing I hadn’t felt this strongly in a long time, probably hadn’t since I was young and fragile, when i was raw and vulnerable. I felt “left out”. So, I had only been sober a month, not even, and a huge group of my friends were going to brunch and they didn’t invite me because I didn’t drink anymore. I saw all of them before, like right before, we all did yoga together and after they all got their lipgloss on and threw on a pink scarf and headed out to brunch. I was ok.

In 1 year. I lost 3 friends. I gained 8 pounds. I lost a vivacious social life. I gained 365 good nights of solid sleep, and gained 365 fresh, spry happy MORNINGS. I lost my old insecure, unworthy self talk. I gained $20-$60 day (5 days a week) around $200 a week, $600-$800 month for 12 months is about $8400. I gained $8400! I lost hangovers of all kind, subtle or gross (really gross). I gained, and enjoy it, double the work capacity, so 50% more output. ($ not sure how much money that translates to). I lost boredom. I gained a new house, car and puppy. I lost boredom.

drinking diaries: I need it to quiet the crazy. I need something that shuts my mind off…….you hear me, i highly function and produce, i work a lot and what I do is important and very stressful so I just drink when i get home to shut that shit down. get a break from it, ya know, that’s normal. it is the only way. this was me. is this you? hear this. Drinking alcohol to calm the nerves/stress/mind is like bending (with your bare hands) the water hose to stop the water from moving through.

Wasted was the time I spend trying to feel good again after being "wasted".

Sometime we are going powerfully “down” or the wrong direction. Since we have so much power and speed going that direction it take a Warriors Heart to see, slow, sttttoooopppppp, whewwww, and turn around, turn yourself around and start going up, this new direction, slow, faster, faster, the direction of your soul, your purpose Finally……. Go!